Attached to Baby

I definately fall under the "gentle discipline" category.  It's the way I grew up.  Dh grew up VERY different.  He grew up having to cut his own switch.   He figured it worked for him, so it will work for our kids.  Granted we also dont have a switch tree out back...but you KWIM.  Iknow that when I discipline Jack *my* way, he responds much better, but dh just sees it as coddling.  Any suggestions?

  Good question.. if anything DH is more gentle than me, but again as a result of his experiences while growing up... also partly supported by "what worked" with raising his cat from a kitten though; if he behaves differently when training pets maybe you can appeal to that?   (If!)

Is your DH a reader? You can maybe share some GD books with him. Here's a link with some suggested reading:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=115037

Otherwise, maybe he will start to see that your way gets results? Hope you get him to come around!

My father in law joked when Gabriel was born and said.. well here comes the kids... there will be beatings.. haha

I said.. you beat my kid you never see him again.

DH believed me and has never raised a hand.

I think it is how they were raised.. my DH was "spanked" and swore he would never do it..

Maybe some good reading or examples of positive discipline?

We have a similar problem.  I was never spanked.  DH's mother used a ruler while his father preferred the belt.  We were having a "discussion" about this one day when I finally said to DH, "you were hit.  Did it work?" and he said "I remember laughing the day the ruler broke." and then admitted that no, he didn't think it worked.  It made him fear his father, but it didn't keep him from doing things that he shouldn't have done, especially when they were not around to see it. He has not brought up spanking for disipline since. 

My FIL made a joking comment about hitting DS one time.  I didn't really say much at the time (I didn't know how to respond, and he had been drinking and I just didn't want to start a fight), but I can tell you that he will never be alone with my children.

Jess--we're going through the same thing. :(

My dh thinks that I'm "babying" our dd's. He even went so far as to say that I'm babying our 10 month old because she "wanted up" the other day. It's been quite a struggle. I wish that I had some advice--if I find anything that works, I'll report back. :(

We're in the same boat, too.  Dh & I had a huge fight the other night because my "way" isn't working and he'd decided he was going to start spanking.  I told him he did and I was leaving.  I just wish I had something gentle that would get our 4 year old to stop doing stuff when we ask him so dh wouldn't even think about spanking.

We are just getting started with discipline on our first baby and can already see how hard it is.  I am enjoying your insights.  I think that hitting may simply be an easy way out - a way to avoid the planning and effort required to properly discipline your children.

On an unrelated note - do you think it's ironic that there is a new button in these forums at the bottom of every post labeled "Report Abuses"?  I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with the topic...

David.

Well, I hate to sound like a broken record, but we have similar issues in my household, as well.  We have been married for 2 years, and together for four.  We are raising my 11 and 13 year olds as well as our 2 month old.  Of course, we aren't having problems with the baby, but disciplining the older kids is a constant source of disagreement for us.  My husband is finally starting to see that his way doesn't work, but it has been a really slow transformation.  He did spank the kids in the beginning, but hasn't done that in a long time.  Now he lectures and hands out groundings, which I have said over and over don't work.  He finally bought "positive discipline for teens" a few weeks ago, and I am hoping we can read it together and adopt some of the principles together. 

The advice that I would give is to try to find a book, or possibly a book on CD if your husband doesn't like to read.  I think it would be best if you could agree on a strategy, maybe look for a book together, and use a strategy that you can both live with.  My experience has been that it's really hard to get your spouse to see everything your way, but if you can both compromise, it should work out.  Just don't wait till the kids are teens like my older ones are!

My DH grew up the same way as your DH was. Thanksfully though he keeps an open mind -- ie BW and extended BF-- child lead household. We gentle discipline also-- that was not what I was raised as though so I have to go by feel and valuable books! I read Dr Sears book of discipline and it really works amazingly! I often read it to DH so that he understands why I do the things and discipline the way I do. Dr Sears makes valuable points and reasons for the WHY to discipline this way and that way. I try to explain to DH that I want our children to have great self respect and worth and discipling this way provides it for them and helps us as well. He kinda gets and and tries to understand-- especially when I ask him if cutting his own switch helped him with his self esteem?

 

HTH

Man what a good thread...We are in the same boat as some of you.  I have a very, very stubborn and strong willed 11 year old from a previous marriage.  DH is great with her, could not have asked for a better Step-Father in fact.  But, he grew up getting the "belt".  His beliefs are that it worked for him, look at how well I turned out, "T" is just like I was as a kid....I did not grow up in a spanking house, was never an issue when we were kids.  My mom could give you a look to stop you dead in your tracks.  When this discussion comes up it always turns into either he disciplins (sp?) or its all on me.  Very frustrating.   Hmmm would love to find the magic answer to it all. 

OK.. Don't hate me... I don't necessarily look at spankings as abuse. That said... Some spankings ARE abuse. My father told me about a time when my grandma was spanking him with a belt because of poor grades and he finally fell off of her lap. She leaned down and kept hitting him on the floor. My Grandfather came up and told her to stop.. if she was going to spank him at least get him off the floor. WTF? That was definitely abuse.

Growing up I knew I could get a spanking but the thought of A). getting one and B). Dissapointing my father was enough of a deterrent that I never did anything to get one.Seriously, I don't remember ever ever getting one. I also didn't really go through any type of rebellious period either so I'm not a good example. I can remember my father spanking my brothers but it was never this "i've lost my temper and I'm going to hit you" sort of thing. My father would tell them not to do something. If they did it again he would say very calmly do it again and you'll get a spanking. If they still did it, he would spank them.  They would go in a room and he would calmly talk to them about what they had done and why they shouldn't do it before spanking. My bros. have always said the calm talking to was worse than anything else. Also, it was like a couple of swats ont he butt witha switch not one of those let me get my belt out moments.  My father doesn't believe in loosing your temper w/kids and understanding age appropriate behavior so I don't want you to think I had some horrible childhood. I have no problems with my father watching my kids at all. My MIL on the other hand... yup I don't liek her watching my kids at all.

 I think every child needs to be disciplined differently. You have to find out what works with each kids personality.. We are still working on it with our 2 boys. I can already tell that they are going to be completely different. My 2 yearold hates to be ignored when he's pitching a tantrum so that's what works best for him... We'll see what happens with my 1 yearold.

Wouldn't it be great if there was some easy button to push like in the commercials??

I agree, you have to do what works best for the child. My inlaws tried spanking my husband, but they found it never worked, so they used other means of disciplining him. We are not opposed to spanking our children, but for us it's a last resort type thing. We'll do time outs first and then if those don't work, we'll move on to spanking. However, we don't want to spank in the heat of the moment. What we're going to try and do is maybe do some sort of timeout thing, then, when we've calmed down, talk to the child about what s/he did and explain to them why they are going to get a spanking before they actually get it. Of course, we'll see how this works once our children get old enough to that point. At the moment, we're just doing timeouts.